Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Roller-coaster

Hold Your Breath for a Bumpy Ride

Lately I’ve learnt that caring about someone or something can make the difference between existing and living. The excitement and fear creates a rush as powerful as jumping into a cold pool. 

At work and in my personal life, I found that my world was spinning out of control. I was forced to review the notion that maybe there is such a thing as being too passionate, too emotional and just a little bit too much.
When it comes to not being in control of ones emotions, I believe it’s time to turn myself in as a repeat offender.

At work, the most common emotions are identified as:
Frustration/irritation - for example, when your competitor hotel's buildings look like war-torn Bosnia, but you still fail to make budget for the month.
Disappointment - like when you find "noilly prat reduction" in one of your menu item accompaniments and are positive it is a swear word that snuck in there, but you are wrong. 

My personal favourite at work is the nerves that I feel before Something Big. Working in events is like a constant roller-coaster of adrenaline.. Or what I like to call The Swell. 
I know it's going to be a bumpy ride when I get to work and have barely had time to add cold water to my coffee so I can throw it back, and I have three event staff swamp me to tell me how bad my client is behaving. 
I have learnt that the morning will go one of two ways:
1. they would have calmed down enough to be as nice as pie by the time I put on my big-girl stilletos and go and meet them or
2. they threaten to sue me and it goes all the way to the CEO who gives them their whole event complimentary anyway.
It's exciting but it's also exhausting... and of course, as usual, I apply the same theory to dating. 

Personally, I talk so much about being brave and always jumping in, but the truth is I am just as scared as anyone else.
Getting involved emotionally feels like holding a big deep breath. In fact, that's exactly what it is.
The chase is fun. The first couple of dates are great. You laugh, and feel like a light and charismatic creature. Getting involved and having feelings is a wonderful thing… which is always followed by the downside. It’s the shift of power that makes you shift from the grounded tree to the kitten stuck in it.

At which point do you catch yourself?
Is it when you smile to yourself when you're on your way to see them?
Is it when you're warm and close and falling asleep and every molecule wants to scream IFREAKINGLOVEYOUALITTLEBITRIGHTNOW?
Or is it that Moment of knowing how stupid and exposed you feel never want to feel that vulnerable again?
The waiting. The anticipation. The expectations. All the things you are finally excited to let yourself feel again, all the while aware that what goes up will probably come down... 
Roller-coaster. It's exactly like shuttling forward at warp speed where it's all so fast and exciting, only to feel you have slowed all the way down to an almost-stop with your head hanging upside-down, your heart pumping at warp speed, your underwear hopefully still intact and the want to vomit at an all time rise. 

I always get to a point where I come to wonder...

Why do we do it to ourselves? I know the highs are worth it but when you think about the lows, they fall into one category. The Cold. I think about all of the times I have doubted the man I entrust my Goodness with:

- waiting in my car for them to get home because they aren't on time, it's extremely late, dark and I am dying to wee

- waiting out the front because the taxi costs too much to wait at 3am, because they aren't on time, it's extremely late, dark, I am drunk because I barely ate to keep my ass tiny and I am dying to wee

- smiling very sweetly even though your first romantic evening was spoilt because his little sister mentions your hair colour is the complete opposite to the girl he was with the previous evening. I am a mother truckin' lady. I don't cry in public. I smile with a smile that says "We at MissCoordinate Enterprises aim to make you happy. Your Smile makes us Smile, but we are actually working out how to calmly, quietly, and very smoothly.. burn your house down".

- investing your time and saying "call me later", when you're really thinking "I'll just wait right over here and old my breath yeah". Just because there are rides for your pleasure at this carnival, does NOT make it a circus and I am NOT a clown!

I have to come to the realisation that an event is just another one of it's kind that will swell and will eventually be another folder to file away into archiving. As for men...

Let's just say some archiving would definitely not go astray. I'll file this current one as "Lover - over with a big L". Don't ever feel bad for walking away. They won't remember holding your hand. They will remember wanting to... and I might not be talking about your hand.

Learning to exhale,

Miss Coordinate