Sincerely Not Yours

"Marriage is not a noun, it's a verb. It isn't something you get; it's something you do. It is the way you love your partner every day" - Barbara De Angelis

Lets get a little mushy.
In a world where we are constantly falling in and out of love, sometimes with the same person over again, how do we ever manage to stay where we are? One will hesitate, the other will get discouraged, and sometimes fighting for the thing we love runs the risk of losing the love you had for yourself.

Toxic relationships with toxic bachelors give you the illusion that time, another person, or insecurities were at play, thus hindering you both from having that Great Love you were supposed to.

Wrong. If he / she loves you as much as they say they do, they'd be with you no matter what. The answer is always clear, and the cosmo quiz is unnecessary as they leave us no choice. Which brings me to my recent need to express the below.

Maybe Jojo was right, sometimes it's just too little, too late...

Dear Toxic Bachelor,


Love is not a drunk phone call at 2am
Love is not ignoring phone calls or making excuses
Love is not "Come over, I miss you, but you can't stay"
Love is not being too good for me one week, then clingier than a hungry koala the next.
Love is not "Sorry I forgot"
Love is not just finding a master for your monster.
Love is not what I should have called slamming vodka down my face to stop crying over you.
Love is not "You're all mine. However, see that blonde with the big rack? I'll have her save herself for me too".
Love is NOT just for the weekend. Love is always; every day.
Love is not fair when you declare it to someone after they have finally moved on and found someone better.
Love is not painful most of the time.

Toxic bachelors like you should be a sweet tooth pick-me-up, or an impulse item on a Saturday night. Loving you was like a lengthy bout of food poisoning. The beauty of this toxic love is it will only happen once for me, like chicken pox. The down-side for you is it will happen a lot, much like catching multiple STD's, curing it, and catching it again.

One day I will be happily married, because I have already learnt my lesson. Even though I sincerely thank you for the learning curve, I am unable to determine where you will end up.

Your love was like buying a tiny fluffy bunny rabbit, accidentally naming it after a well-known vibrator, and posting it all over facebook with the line "I love my Ruby Rabbit".
Embarrassing, shameful, public, and painfully avoidable.

Althought I'll never say it to your face...
If you really did love me the way I used to love you, you would have kept it to yourself, knowing I'm already so happy with someone else.

Sincerely not yours,
<3 Miss Communication

The Pin Up Girl

As we sift through an endless scale of labels, roles and self-images, we try to identify ourselves and our place in the world. We're constantly changing what we believe, what we stand for and which cause to fight for. When everything changes faster than Lindsay Lohan gets new negative press, how do we ever stop the labelling process?

From the primary school Mufti-Day wardrobe mishaps where the cool kids picked on your Target shirt, to working out how to deal with your first toxic bachelor in Love's game of chemistry, we have grown and changed according to who we 'are' in society. Women unfortunately, sometimes let men to do the labelling. When you want to drown your troubles but your boyfriend won't go swimming, sometimes it's lighter on the soul to do our own re-evaluation.

Women are constantly working to be accepted by the general public, while men have less of this pressure, thus the Pin Up Girl Effect. I don't see any 1950's male model pin ups that other men can strive towards becoming. That tall, dark and handsome Mr Right with a rich knowledge of the female body and an ever richer bank account. No!
There are no old male posters with a man holding a diamond between his pecs, the way a woman models her baby maker.

We love to label ourselves, take little quizzes and categorize. No matter what we say about looks not mattering, women are more likely to feel its importance, regardless if the man doesn't care. Love may be blind, but our own sense of sex appeal isn't. This would be why lingerie is so popular!


It's a proven fact that women are more likely to feel insecure about their image, and watch every thing they do because of it. Of course, I've never been a fan of believing "you are what you eat", because I happen to like fruits and nuts!
It's the unlikeable truth that men are more likely to have a strong sense of confidence, even when it's not deserved. (Read my first blog THE MALE EGO). When it comes to our roles in relationships, how we see ourselves is likely to be how others see us too.

 Maybe it's true what they say after all...

<3 Miss Communication

Some believe that a black cat crosses your path and greatly impacts the outcome of your day. Others believe that a black cat crosses your path because it's merely going somewhere. I pity the fool that believes nothing, for then neither have any purpose at all!

The Male Ego

An old boyfriend of mine once said that 90% of what men do and say towards women is driven by the intricate, fragile and easily triggered male super ego.
Of course, we females were subconsciously aware that a single word to damage said ego can send a man into a hole so deep, we'd have better luck finding a heavily discounted Chanel Chance perfume (impossible- I tried).
In reading this, not every man necessarily has to fit the 'macho type' of characteristic, but when the ego is inflated, there are many common responses all men ( and many women ) tend to display.
It still shocked me how right he was, however. So I researched and fine tuned my discoveries.

Identifying the male ego

For some it makes us competitive, always striving to be first, to be better, to go farther, faster, longer. For others, it drives the inability to say no, always involved in the next thing in hopes of praise and complements. And it contributes to the martyr syndrome, the one who continually feels they have to sacrifice their time because, tsk!, no one else can do it!

So how does this relate to men and women's relationships?

- It motivates extreme advances
- It rears its ugly head in arguments
- It creates a feeling of superiority and power- BLEH!
- It doesn't call the next day to reassure you
- It puts the car in 'park' at the end of a date in the middle of a deserted parking lot in hopes of a happy ending. ( We certainly do not need examples for this one )
- It is the first not to care any more
- It triggers the need to chase, and receive satisfaction of attaining the 'next best thing'
- It creates the beloved familiar wall we like to call their 'defence mechanism'
'What have I done wrong now?'
'Is that what you think?'
'I apologise if that's what you think I do, but I don't'
'And when exactly? And what exactly did I say? And why is that a problem?'
'That's not going to be a problem, now is it?'

Worst of all, it overrides the simple apology with "what makes you think I'm the problem here?". The male ego clearly knows no bounds. For example, Winston Churchill, who would rather lose 40,000 men at war than to admit his genius plan was indeed a genius mess.

Deflating the male ego

In a time when his ego is so puffed up he can barely storm out of the room, the only things that can calm the situation are
- Time, where you or he have to end up walking away, hastily saying a goodbye over the telephone, or like myself, quickly evacuating down a shopping centre fire exit.
- A bigger ego, to only be used by professionals that can control it long enough to throw it back into its cage. In my case, a friend intervening as I myself have not yet learnt its ways
- Common sense kicks in and overrides the mighty ego. Note: rare.

Now of course, some women already have acute awareness of as to who is really in charge in a relationship. We are the enablers, the obligers and the humourers of the male super ego, those who allow them to believe they are in charge.


Responding to the male ego

We see it, identify it and learn to accommodate a man's need to feel

Smarter, i.e "I'm just letting you know"
+ response "oh really darling how interesting!"
- response ".... yes I knowww"

More Competent, i.e "why don't you let me handle this"
+ response "you're probably right big boy"
- response "I can handle it!"

Great in bed
+ response "you're the biggest and best I have ever had
- response "not bad"... to which of course you will receive "NOT BAD? Is that it?"

Capable of having you any time they want, i.e "wanna catch up tonight, say 11pm?"
+ response 'whenever you're free' or 'yes, yes, yes'
- response ( my favourite ) 'actually I'm not really interested'


We have the ability to turn man to monster, in need of a master. Sometimes we have to remind them that a great boxer has to be able to take a punch!
We know when to stroke it, when to nurture and accept it, and when to bruise it so hard it struggles to return more than Kathy Lee Griffin's career.

So to my dear old.. friend, you were right on the money after all. Thank you for your honest insight into male and female interactions, and what really goes on beneath the surface. I think actually being aware of a man's needs and how we affect you really improves my personal interactions with other men. And even though I didn't know you were right at the time, I let you believe so anyway ;)