Sincerely Not Yours

"Marriage is not a noun, it's a verb. It isn't something you get; it's something you do. It is the way you love your partner every day" - Barbara De Angelis

Lets get a little mushy.
In a world where we are constantly falling in and out of love, sometimes with the same person over again, how do we ever manage to stay where we are? One will hesitate, the other will get discouraged, and sometimes fighting for the thing we love runs the risk of losing the love you had for yourself.

Toxic relationships with toxic bachelors give you the illusion that time, another person, or insecurities were at play, thus hindering you both from having that Great Love you were supposed to.

Wrong. If he / she loves you as much as they say they do, they'd be with you no matter what. The answer is always clear, and the cosmo quiz is unnecessary as they leave us no choice. Which brings me to my recent need to express the below.

Maybe Jojo was right, sometimes it's just too little, too late...

Dear Toxic Bachelor,


Love is not a drunk phone call at 2am
Love is not ignoring phone calls or making excuses
Love is not "Come over, I miss you, but you can't stay"
Love is not being too good for me one week, then clingier than a hungry koala the next.
Love is not "Sorry I forgot"
Love is not just finding a master for your monster.
Love is not what I should have called slamming vodka down my face to stop crying over you.
Love is not "You're all mine. However, see that blonde with the big rack? I'll have her save herself for me too".
Love is NOT just for the weekend. Love is always; every day.
Love is not fair when you declare it to someone after they have finally moved on and found someone better.
Love is not painful most of the time.

Toxic bachelors like you should be a sweet tooth pick-me-up, or an impulse item on a Saturday night. Loving you was like a lengthy bout of food poisoning. The beauty of this toxic love is it will only happen once for me, like chicken pox. The down-side for you is it will happen a lot, much like catching multiple STD's, curing it, and catching it again.

One day I will be happily married, because I have already learnt my lesson. Even though I sincerely thank you for the learning curve, I am unable to determine where you will end up.

Your love was like buying a tiny fluffy bunny rabbit, accidentally naming it after a well-known vibrator, and posting it all over facebook with the line "I love my Ruby Rabbit".
Embarrassing, shameful, public, and painfully avoidable.

Althought I'll never say it to your face...
If you really did love me the way I used to love you, you would have kept it to yourself, knowing I'm already so happy with someone else.

Sincerely not yours,
<3 Miss Communication

Dear Molly

As I think about packing for my small weekend trip away, I wonder how you packed for your big European adventure...
Four years, and four lifetimes ago, we became best friends. And now, you bitch, you have decided to leave me for England and the rest. While you are away and unreachable, I decided to dedicate this post to you. 
Regardless of the fact that I baked you a two tiered masterpiece of a cake, slaved over a scrapbook, provided a designer notebook all with the secret message of "Please stay", you have left me for 3 months, and extended it for 6. 
Even thought I hate you right now, I'm gonna type through the pain and go back to when I loved you and your close proximity. 


I think what ties us together most is the many embarrassing moments that we have saved each other from.
Remember that time I was pining after that felon, and in my drunken stupor, tried to run after him to punch him in the face? I will never forget yelling "Hold my bag!" and clicking away in my heels like a centipede with all it's legs missing.
Thank you for being there to laugh at me, and help me remember so that I may laugh too.

You've seen me through when I have been in some serious shit.


Thank you for experiencing miracles with me, like when the Motorway was too busy so we went down a quiet road, only to see the little boat light up on your dashboard. "Oh my god! What does that meann" you cried in horror. Because I am amazing, I reply, "the car overheated, we need to stop, revive survive and get some water STAT!".


I know we will have our own adventures again soon <3. 
I think what is really vital, is that we embarrass ourselves enough without embarrassing eachother. Like when you held a dinner party for our friends, but needed help with the cooking. Thank you for finally admitting that, even though you exclaimed "hey everyone, here's a finger bowl for you and a napkin for your hands, aren't I smart!", it was actually my idea. Anybody else would have yelled "LIARRR! IT WAS ALL ME!", I took one for the team and smiled down at my clean hands in shock!


Thank you for always pushing me to exercise, even when I regretted it. I now know not to violently throw my legs over my head in pilates, as it makes me roll over and scream. 


And BTW, which FYI means By The Way, thank you for being a witness to...


- The brunch where my scones turned into biscuits
- Crashing my mum's car the first day I had it, and watching that stupid fat child get taken away in the ambulance for insurance of some kind.
- Teasing my mother, e.g. the way she says McDonalds... "Mecdaaanalds"
- Teaching me that in fact, party pies do taste good when cold
- Scaring me to death when there was an avalanche in New Zealand where you happened to be.. (the day before)
- Yourself. Being a spastic. All the time. Esp when you cut your essay writing short for an emergency mani-pedi
- Watching New Moon 3 times in cinema (in the month of November)

 

- Creating Fat Shit day with me, where we eat everything and it doesn't matter, because a magic fairy blessed the day to minus all calories consumed on this day (allocated by us)

- My lint-infested trackies, which were the only pair left for me to where as you always leave my house with my clothes on instead of yours
- All the sexual escapades you rescued me from, lesbian events when I got spooned against my will, and countless funny things we should really write down, seeing as we both have photographic memories, but neither of us have any film!
- Your spastic rants: here is an excerpt from Facebook for your convenience:


" Helen I think we should just be friends.
Plus I like men.
And I have a hunch your cheating on me with many men.
And your bad in bed.
There I said it"

"Question.. is clothing required for tomorow night? I bought really hot shoes and I just feel like they're enough"

Here's some flashbacks from 2007 that I emplore you to make sense of

"Hell 2 da yes!

One day were gonna own our own bubble factory!
And swimmable accserories line!
And we'll play with bubbles and look hot!
And be rich!
And famous!
And laugh at the little ppl!!"

I miss you so much. So many huge things have happened that are only huge to us, and I can't call you up or send you one liner sms' like "omg I just wet myself" or anything cause it's just not the same. There's just no love like moelen love <3 

I know I'm selfish, because I want you to have fun, but mostly I want you to hate it so you can come home due to missing me incredibly. 

So from me to you, here's a little slice of home, the only way we know how. Incredibly hilarious and twice as cute

<3 Miss Communication

TLC, Trouble Lies with Choice

In a world of uncertainty, where men are at women like dogs to fire hydrants, it's become more common to find something else than stick to one partner. Plans are never kept, choices remain unmade and somehow the person we are interested in always has another 25 options.

Have you ever walked into a supermarket with the sole intention of buying bread, or hair dye, and walk out empty handed, or with something completely irrelevant - like gum? Making a choice became so difficult and frustrating, you shook your head in awe and gave up on your mission all together. Plain, rye, wholemean, wholegrain, wholemeal with grains, mixed, sourdough, flat, fat, f*&ks sake! Nobody ever wants to live with making the wrong choice, so we choose not to choose at all!

Variety: the spice of strife!
One could argue that we are so used to being spoilt for choice, we view our relationships the same way. Hey men, don't worry, if you lose the Original flavour. There is always Diet girl, Vanilla spice, Sugar free Mama and Raspberry Red head. Clearly "The Bachelor" was created by a man.

Where Mr Right's first name is Always, and always turns out so be so very wrong, finding one we like is challenge enough. When dating becomes more difficult than a 300-suitcase game of Deal or No Deal, how do we ever manage to get what we want?

Newly single people argue that sometimes the best way to get over one is to get under another. With so many under your belt, how do you know that the right one hasn't already come and gone?
After bedding countless people, how would you begin to choose the best, the worst, the sacred, the One.

We're always driven to see, buy and want more, because it can never seem that we have enough with a world full of choices. Researchers believe the problem is that when you have too much choice, you become obsessed about what your decision will say about you.


Who knows, maybe we all divulge in a little Gluttony every now and then and just choose everything. I know many men do! 


I find that sometimes, the greatest relief is to sit back with a glass of wine and watch the chips fall where they may. That and of course, sign up for online shopping to save yourself the look of disgusted amazement at the supermarket. Unlike Kathy Lee Griffin, sometimes it's best to quit while you're ahead. 


From me to you,


<3 Miss Communication

A Good Night Out

After being quoted after a big night out saying "It isn't a quest for a freaking ring, I just want you to go and get me a drink", I thought about ways to be an efficient Saturday-Night-Alcoholic (in the most classy way of course), and included very thoughtful prediction on how you might feel the next day!

If Charlie Chaplin was right when he said "A man's true character comes out when he is drunk", I know a whole lot of voyeuristic, compulsive and clumsy people! Oh Charlie- if only you could see us now.

An 'Efficient' Saturday Night Out:

- You have your eyes locked on a hot prize of the evening, and you're finally talking. It's a basic guarantee that if either of you excuse yourselves, you'll get caught up in the bar/club hype and not get to speak again. This is what I like to call a Flock Block. Much like the infamous Twat / Cock block, except it involves circumstances in which a person has to flee due to:
- Needing to urinate
- Needing to buy a drink
- Needing to vacate the area due to an unnatural disaster (I call this the ex-boyfriend sighting)

One way to avoid this, or at least the drink issue, is to become an efficient alcoholic and purchase two drinks for yourself at a time at the bar (and urinating before you leave the house for goodness sake).

Less time at the bar means less time wasted, and more time avoiding the eldery lonely men that lurke the line-up hoping to charm you with their gold teeth and Wooden-Spoon-Award-Pick up lines!
 (HINT: may come in handy if you need to score a free drink, WARNING: this may attract a wrinkly leech)

When your beautifully-clad feet are throbbing, and so is your heart, the last thing you want to do is leave your prime position.

Things you want to avoid:

- Whining to the same person to get you a drink - pick someone new each time and offer them money for it. You don't want to look like a Winona ;).

- Drinking so much you: have to leave / vomit up your cocktail / text your ex your exact location with co-ordinates / cry and get the all famous Mascara Neck.

KEY INDICATORS YOU WENT OUT LAST NIGHT
(The good, bad, and the Long Bay Jail level of Ugly)


- There are kebab wrappers in your bag, bin, floor, mouth, random hotel room.
- You get notifications of photos added from people you were with last night and your first reaction is to delete your entire Face book.
- Your first words are a painful "ohh shiiiiit"
- You find unexplained bruises. Upon realising their explanation, your next words are also "ohh shiiiiit" (see embarassment blog for an A++ example)

- You walked through a drive through McDonalds / got into a taxi so they can stop on the way home
- You're written on
- You wrote on people
- You're now famous for being Smirnoff's best consumer
- You believe you should be famous for being Smirnoff's best consumer.. AND...

- My Classiest Gold Star Moment of 2009: You pull into a service station to throw up on the way home. The young indian won't let you in... So you let it all out on the glass front door, that isn't so sparkling-clean anymore.

- My slap-your-forehead Moment of 2010: You text your best friend wondering how they got home last night, and they reply, "are you serious, you idiot, the same way you did. I'm upstairs". (Suddenly all those kebab wrappers explain themselves slowly).

As always, another lesson learnt. They say some of the best ideas you will ever have, dawn like a bright country sunrise after a cocktail or two; so I have now brought to you the most intelligent thing I have, and ever will write in my life!

<3 Miss Communication