Friday, April 8, 2011

The Married Bore Epidemic


It has recently been pointed out to me, by my very feet-on-the-ground best friend, M, that I suffer from a common case of what she like to call the "Married Bore".
(Couples don't generally seem to notice, because it's usually too late, and the M.B bacteria has already clouded ones judgement)
One dark and ominous evening, I was robed up and ready for a nap, when the not-so-delightful trill of my ringtone sounded. 

M: How MUCH do you love me?
Me: hummm.. what?
Me: No! I was just getting ready to go out... It's a new club.. Called... Feather Doona.

M had scored entry to a fabulous Celebrity cocktail event for a photography launch. Any excuse to finally use my Little Red Dress (one notch sluttier than the little black one) and de-mould my Old Faithful All nighter Stilettos was good enough for me!

So there we were, looking fabulous, at the fabulous Ivy Bar on a Wednesday night before the event, when some guy at the bar starts waving me down.
Lets call him "The reason why I made grateful love to my boyfriend that night". Mr Smooth, for short.

He waved his armani arms in front of my face till I finally acknowledged his presence. My first mistake!
"Smoke?" he signalled. I held out out to him. "Can I sit with you?" he asks. 
He looks harmless, I thought. Mistake number two.

Then of course started the awkward staring and interview questions "How old are you, where are you going tonight? What's your BSB and Account number?"
I casually dropped the "boyfriend" bomb when he said he was in banking, "Oh my boyfriend is too". Very sly, I thought.

With Super Pervert reflexes, and before I can say "Invisible", he turns his attention to M, telling her repeatedly how beautiful her eyes are (between extremely arrogant small talk about how successful he is, cause he's 30, single and balding and living with his family). 

Aside from the subtle tones of douchebaggery in his speech, I would have to say that THIS was the dead giveaway:
Me: Are you going to have that cigarette?
Mr Smooth: No, I don't smoke

If a facial expression could project the words "THEN WHAT THE FUNK DID YOU TRICK ME FOR!!!",  I would have worn it with a matching outfit down to the toes! 

As expensive as M and I looked that night, we were not above getting free $9 drinks, so we hastily accepted when he offered to buy us a couple, checked our order twice and went to the bar for us.
"What a douche bag!" I hurriedly say as M nods vigorously in agreement, expecting him to be back any second. "At least we get a vodka cranberry for our troubles!".

10 thirsty minutes later, my Super Pervert Spotter eyes see Mr Smooth himself, BUYING A BEER and walking to another table!!!
Not only was I no longer worthy of conversation because my body wasn't available for rent that evening, but we got stood up! We got stuck with doing the community service of holding him up from the next victim for (what seemed) a lifetime, and got stiffed of our payback! I hope to god that was the only thing he was stiffing that evening. 

I will say this. To my single friends, Godspeed. I believe all the other fish in the sea may or may not be streamlined with the ONLY bacteria worse that the Married Bore Epidemic.

This is now called the "Only Jesus will think about loving you now" Fungi.

Dear Mr Smooth,
I would normally assume that this would be a funny story for you to tell your buddies... But 
If you are reading this, I want ten minutes of my life back. You are a testiment to the quote

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"

That'll be $9!

Part time Married Bore, Full time girlfriend,

<3 Miss Coordinate

Because we all need a little balance ;)

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