Thursday, October 20, 2011

No More Red Cheeks

As I climbed the greasy pole of the service industry to get to my position, I saw people at their worst. People in the hotel industry often do!
I've seen the embarrassed birthday girl finishing off her two tier cake when no one shows up and we have to insist we take the full amount off their credit card. (It wasn't me.... maybe)
I've seen the last minute event havoc before the curtains go up, and there's more last minute running around than ants fleeing bug spray!
We know, as many people do, that there are times that we annoy even ourselves for the horrible things we think and do, even if we don't mean it. For all the people that witness us at our worst, there's always a harsher critic.


Most recently I have really annoyed myself at how petty I was and I just couldn't help it!As I thought "God, I should have just stopped when I was swimming for the egg", I realised that my horrible thoughts could be quite funny. So here I am, ready to be judged for all the horrible things that have crossed my mind.

These are my confessionssssss
Do you ever have a bad smell wash over you so hard and so fast that you feel you are swimming in it and it's infiltrating your pores? It might be stale pee in a long narrow stairway, or the boiling vat of lard and hot curry that is some fortunate soul's natural scent. What I fear, is not only the initial "OH GODDDD" and the cover of my nose, but afterwards, when I'm still in the stair way or next to this person that reeks of puberty and I STOP SMELLING IT. Do I smell like that now? Is that why I can't smell it anymore? Today I was slightly disappointed when an overweight person took the place on the train seat next to me, of the skinnier person that I had orinigally moved over for. How rude is that? My brain needs soap!

When I saw a male hairdresser approaching me with the straightening iron, I thought "this guy is either going to be really freaking amazing, or I'm going to come out of here looking worse than Dobby the House Elf... with freshly burnt ears". I found myself judging him harshly for every nick of my ear, and every burn to my scalp (as you do), but the bad part is, I had this horrible almost-unfightable urge to scream "How would you know what you're doing? You have less hair than Lex Luther and you're A MAN. GO DRIVE A TRUCK LIKE NATURE INTENDED!".

Then I calm down, and feel so bad I want to throw the book at myself and go to bed without dinner.

I hope I'm not the only one that laughs at my own lame jokes.
Out loud.
While alone.
With a mouthful of Ben and Jerry's.
About something really stupid like a one liner that doesn't even make sense, like "Download a virus? Already? At least buy me a drink first".
It's not funny! I thought it was so clever that I wrote it down and dribbled Chunky Monkey down my new Portmans Jacket. Class act, funny lady.

I have a confession. I ranted about my horrible pedi for a whole week. "A light scratch does not a massage make" I would say. You would think that I would be used to it after my 3rd visit there with the same problem. Yet I ranted and raved like a jilted lover even though I should have known better, paid an extra $10 somewhere else and saved myself the disappointment.

The last time I went drinking, I woke up with voice messages from the NSW Department of Health asking me if they can use last night's YouTube videos for their new ban on alcohol campaign. The ad would have started with "She was supposed to be in Church, but she stopped at the bar for a quick drink". I turned the offer down. I'm far too modest for that!
That and I didn't want my mother to see me barefoot in Darling Harbour running up to random strangers saying "it's ok guys, I got this. I'm wearing shoes". "If you guys have any problems, don't worry. I'm wearing shoes". 
I hope the tourists got my good side when they were making vids to send back home.

I did have some horrible, serious thoughts that were the muse of this blog. I was ready to be rude to someone  I hadn't yet met because I didn't like the sound of her. I didn't think she fit with my group, so I was going into bulldog mode.

And boom, annoyed at myself. Then boom. Outpouring blog of my inner worst thoughts to scrub up my soul a little.

Please judge me, so I can have redemption, and hopefully make you feel better for the absolutely haneous times that you thought you were really funny, too rude, and a downright racist for no good reason.

<3 Miss Coordinate


  1. WTF??? Lmao I can't believe I read the whole thing but it was actually interesting... That's some Goooood reading!

  2. hahahahahahahaha great ab workout. Love this blog! You have got talent Miss C!!

  3. Awww thanks guys! I'm feeling the anonymous warm and fuzzies haha <3