Dear Molly

As I think about packing for my small weekend trip away, I wonder how you packed for your big European adventure...
Four years, and four lifetimes ago, we became best friends. And now, you bitch, you have decided to leave me for England and the rest. While you are away and unreachable, I decided to dedicate this post to you. 
Regardless of the fact that I baked you a two tiered masterpiece of a cake, slaved over a scrapbook, provided a designer notebook all with the secret message of "Please stay", you have left me for 3 months, and extended it for 6. 
Even thought I hate you right now, I'm gonna type through the pain and go back to when I loved you and your close proximity. 


I think what ties us together most is the many embarrassing moments that we have saved each other from.
Remember that time I was pining after that felon, and in my drunken stupor, tried to run after him to punch him in the face? I will never forget yelling "Hold my bag!" and clicking away in my heels like a centipede with all it's legs missing.
Thank you for being there to laugh at me, and help me remember so that I may laugh too.

You've seen me through when I have been in some serious shit.


Thank you for experiencing miracles with me, like when the Motorway was too busy so we went down a quiet road, only to see the little boat light up on your dashboard. "Oh my god! What does that meann" you cried in horror. Because I am amazing, I reply, "the car overheated, we need to stop, revive survive and get some water STAT!".


I know we will have our own adventures again soon <3. 
I think what is really vital, is that we embarrass ourselves enough without embarrassing eachother. Like when you held a dinner party for our friends, but needed help with the cooking. Thank you for finally admitting that, even though you exclaimed "hey everyone, here's a finger bowl for you and a napkin for your hands, aren't I smart!", it was actually my idea. Anybody else would have yelled "LIARRR! IT WAS ALL ME!", I took one for the team and smiled down at my clean hands in shock!


Thank you for always pushing me to exercise, even when I regretted it. I now know not to violently throw my legs over my head in pilates, as it makes me roll over and scream. 


And BTW, which FYI means By The Way, thank you for being a witness to...


- The brunch where my scones turned into biscuits
- Crashing my mum's car the first day I had it, and watching that stupid fat child get taken away in the ambulance for insurance of some kind.
- Teasing my mother, e.g. the way she says McDonalds... "Mecdaaanalds"
- Teaching me that in fact, party pies do taste good when cold
- Scaring me to death when there was an avalanche in New Zealand where you happened to be.. (the day before)
- Yourself. Being a spastic. All the time. Esp when you cut your essay writing short for an emergency mani-pedi
- Watching New Moon 3 times in cinema (in the month of November)

 

- Creating Fat Shit day with me, where we eat everything and it doesn't matter, because a magic fairy blessed the day to minus all calories consumed on this day (allocated by us)

- My lint-infested trackies, which were the only pair left for me to where as you always leave my house with my clothes on instead of yours
- All the sexual escapades you rescued me from, lesbian events when I got spooned against my will, and countless funny things we should really write down, seeing as we both have photographic memories, but neither of us have any film!
- Your spastic rants: here is an excerpt from Facebook for your convenience:


" Helen I think we should just be friends.
Plus I like men.
And I have a hunch your cheating on me with many men.
And your bad in bed.
There I said it"

"Question.. is clothing required for tomorow night? I bought really hot shoes and I just feel like they're enough"

Here's some flashbacks from 2007 that I emplore you to make sense of

"Hell 2 da yes!

One day were gonna own our own bubble factory!
And swimmable accserories line!
And we'll play with bubbles and look hot!
And be rich!
And famous!
And laugh at the little ppl!!"

I miss you so much. So many huge things have happened that are only huge to us, and I can't call you up or send you one liner sms' like "omg I just wet myself" or anything cause it's just not the same. There's just no love like moelen love <3 

I know I'm selfish, because I want you to have fun, but mostly I want you to hate it so you can come home due to missing me incredibly. 

So from me to you, here's a little slice of home, the only way we know how. Incredibly hilarious and twice as cute

<3 Miss Communication

The Pin Up Girl

As we sift through an endless scale of labels, roles and self-images, we try to identify ourselves and our place in the world. We're constantly changing what we believe, what we stand for and which cause to fight for. When everything changes faster than Lindsay Lohan gets new negative press, how do we ever stop the labelling process?

From the primary school Mufti-Day wardrobe mishaps where the cool kids picked on your Target shirt, to working out how to deal with your first toxic bachelor in Love's game of chemistry, we have grown and changed according to who we 'are' in society. Women unfortunately, sometimes let men to do the labelling. When you want to drown your troubles but your boyfriend won't go swimming, sometimes it's lighter on the soul to do our own re-evaluation.

Women are constantly working to be accepted by the general public, while men have less of this pressure, thus the Pin Up Girl Effect. I don't see any 1950's male model pin ups that other men can strive towards becoming. That tall, dark and handsome Mr Right with a rich knowledge of the female body and an ever richer bank account. No!
There are no old male posters with a man holding a diamond between his pecs, the way a woman models her baby maker.

We love to label ourselves, take little quizzes and categorize. No matter what we say about looks not mattering, women are more likely to feel its importance, regardless if the man doesn't care. Love may be blind, but our own sense of sex appeal isn't. This would be why lingerie is so popular!


It's a proven fact that women are more likely to feel insecure about their image, and watch every thing they do because of it. Of course, I've never been a fan of believing "you are what you eat", because I happen to like fruits and nuts!
It's the unlikeable truth that men are more likely to have a strong sense of confidence, even when it's not deserved. (Read my first blog THE MALE EGO). When it comes to our roles in relationships, how we see ourselves is likely to be how others see us too.

 Maybe it's true what they say after all...

<3 Miss Communication

Some believe that a black cat crosses your path and greatly impacts the outcome of your day. Others believe that a black cat crosses your path because it's merely going somewhere. I pity the fool that believes nothing, for then neither have any purpose at all!

The Bucket List

After watching "I love you too", I decided that unless you are Peter Helliar using any excuse to hit on women clearly out of your leauge, it's ok to write a Bucket List anytime you want.
Aside from a great time in bed, we all need to achieve certain goals in order to feel satisfied. If we satisfy certain needs, we can move on to achieving greater well being.
I will start by noting that "go bungee jumping" is NOT on the list. I used to shake so violently on the high school balance beam that I recited the whole bible before getting coaxed down with a Cherry Ripe.
So without further adieu, suspend your judgement and secure your underwear for

My Bucket List

1. Go skinny dipping
2. Swim with the dolphins
3. Create my dream home with a really big kitchen and throw an awesome dinner party
4. Have a baby and make them very happy
5. Get married... and stay married
6. Name a star
7. Have a puppy (own one... not give birth to one)
8. Spend 24 hours completely naked
9. Learn to ski
10. Canter on a horse and NOT fall off this time.. aka without bruising my ego or my back
11. Fly first class
12. Punch someone in the face and break something
13. Visit a castle in Ireland
14. Visit the Greek Islands and stay at least a week in one place
15. Tour America
16. Have a really nice bar collection... and not drink it all
17. Sell my writing in some form
18. Go a week without make-up (eep!)
19. Stay up all night without passing out, throwing up or engaging in strange drunken acts one may regret
20. Received a bouquet of flowers for no special reason
21. Hand over my old diaries to my kiddies.
22. Apologise to my boyfriend for wetting myself when he dribbled tea into my mouth from his.
23. Try 22 again and not wet myself.
24. Have 100% job satisfaction
25. Have a black and white Old England photo taken from Movie World. I went with my ex, but we left early to go and see strippers instead. *Sigh*
26. Grow a pretty garden.
27. Go scuba diving. Not sit on the edge of a boat and shake of fear; actually do it!
28. Get on that god damn balance beam without shaking



29. Finish what I started: including but not limited to
- A whole bottle of Moet
- Every Marilyn Monroe film
- A Star Wars film.. so help me God.
- Learning the keyboard...That retched thing is harder than it looks.
- Saving for Europe
- an entire collection of something


"You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences. "Gordon B. Hinckley




With love,


<3 Miss communication

TLC, Trouble Lies with Choice

In a world of uncertainty, where men are at women like dogs to fire hydrants, it's become more common to find something else than stick to one partner. Plans are never kept, choices remain unmade and somehow the person we are interested in always has another 25 options.

Have you ever walked into a supermarket with the sole intention of buying bread, or hair dye, and walk out empty handed, or with something completely irrelevant - like gum? Making a choice became so difficult and frustrating, you shook your head in awe and gave up on your mission all together. Plain, rye, wholemean, wholegrain, wholemeal with grains, mixed, sourdough, flat, fat, f*&ks sake! Nobody ever wants to live with making the wrong choice, so we choose not to choose at all!

Variety: the spice of strife!
One could argue that we are so used to being spoilt for choice, we view our relationships the same way. Hey men, don't worry, if you lose the Original flavour. There is always Diet girl, Vanilla spice, Sugar free Mama and Raspberry Red head. Clearly "The Bachelor" was created by a man.

Where Mr Right's first name is Always, and always turns out so be so very wrong, finding one we like is challenge enough. When dating becomes more difficult than a 300-suitcase game of Deal or No Deal, how do we ever manage to get what we want?

Newly single people argue that sometimes the best way to get over one is to get under another. With so many under your belt, how do you know that the right one hasn't already come and gone?
After bedding countless people, how would you begin to choose the best, the worst, the sacred, the One.

We're always driven to see, buy and want more, because it can never seem that we have enough with a world full of choices. Researchers believe the problem is that when you have too much choice, you become obsessed about what your decision will say about you.


Who knows, maybe we all divulge in a little Gluttony every now and then and just choose everything. I know many men do! 


I find that sometimes, the greatest relief is to sit back with a glass of wine and watch the chips fall where they may. That and of course, sign up for online shopping to save yourself the look of disgusted amazement at the supermarket. Unlike Kathy Lee Griffin, sometimes it's best to quit while you're ahead. 


From me to you,


<3 Miss Communication

Driving Us Crazy

After changing my morning travel routine from public transport to driving in peak hour traffic, I came to observe how traffic and road rage brings out the worst of our personalities.

I am quite confident when I state that I never talked to myself until I was in the car alone for long periods of time. I know I do it, I’ve seen you do it, so here’s how we identify it. Popular examples may include

- Yelling out all the unconventional ways you think the other person got their license
- Wishing for a loudspeaker so they can actually hear you yelling “are you DRUNK?”
- Stating “bet you they’re Asian!!!” when there is only yourself to bet
- Contemplating / muttering all the ways you could get away with hurting them
- Forgetting there are other people in the car and putting them in mental / physical harm
- The passengers would rather commando roll out of your moving vehicle than deal with another fit

When the craziness of driving triggers the craziness within, it can turn an equal rights activist into a racist, and a green peace volunteer the same green of the hulk. It got me wondering; maybe we’re all a little crazy!

Triggers
....
For some it’s bad drivers, for others like my mother it’s a grand mixture of loud noises, small spaces, big crowds, a smudge on the carpet, being rushed, others going too slow, an unmade bed, yelling, whispering, a dish in the sink, general human error and on the odd occasion, men’s facial hair, clingy men, cat hair, dog hair, dirt in general, people breathing erratically.
From breathing to cheating, no matter what it takes, everyone has at least one thing that makes them tick.

Some people can be so sensitive; you’d have better luck not getting burnt in an attempt to catch a falling hair curler (on high). Warning: chances are slim to none.

For some people, only being sensitive to one trigger is bad enough. I call these people the Morphers. They turn from Tweety bird to T-Rex in 0.5 seconds as they roar at that guy that merged without looking. The face goes red, the eyes swirl green and their fist grip the wheel so hard it buckles. As they turn the corner, they continue to happily sing along to the radio, until the next event occurs. This is a great indicator of the Morpher effect.

Even beautiful people, with hair that glistens in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze, have triggers that turn them senseless.
What’s yours?

<3 Miss Communication

A Good Night Out

After being quoted after a big night out saying "It isn't a quest for a freaking ring, I just want you to go and get me a drink", I thought about ways to be an efficient Saturday-Night-Alcoholic (in the most classy way of course), and included very thoughtful prediction on how you might feel the next day!

If Charlie Chaplin was right when he said "A man's true character comes out when he is drunk", I know a whole lot of voyeuristic, compulsive and clumsy people! Oh Charlie- if only you could see us now.

An 'Efficient' Saturday Night Out:

- You have your eyes locked on a hot prize of the evening, and you're finally talking. It's a basic guarantee that if either of you excuse yourselves, you'll get caught up in the bar/club hype and not get to speak again. This is what I like to call a Flock Block. Much like the infamous Twat / Cock block, except it involves circumstances in which a person has to flee due to:
- Needing to urinate
- Needing to buy a drink
- Needing to vacate the area due to an unnatural disaster (I call this the ex-boyfriend sighting)

One way to avoid this, or at least the drink issue, is to become an efficient alcoholic and purchase two drinks for yourself at a time at the bar (and urinating before you leave the house for goodness sake).

Less time at the bar means less time wasted, and more time avoiding the eldery lonely men that lurke the line-up hoping to charm you with their gold teeth and Wooden-Spoon-Award-Pick up lines!
 (HINT: may come in handy if you need to score a free drink, WARNING: this may attract a wrinkly leech)

When your beautifully-clad feet are throbbing, and so is your heart, the last thing you want to do is leave your prime position.

Things you want to avoid:

- Whining to the same person to get you a drink - pick someone new each time and offer them money for it. You don't want to look like a Winona ;).

- Drinking so much you: have to leave / vomit up your cocktail / text your ex your exact location with co-ordinates / cry and get the all famous Mascara Neck.

KEY INDICATORS YOU WENT OUT LAST NIGHT
(The good, bad, and the Long Bay Jail level of Ugly)


- There are kebab wrappers in your bag, bin, floor, mouth, random hotel room.
- You get notifications of photos added from people you were with last night and your first reaction is to delete your entire Face book.
- Your first words are a painful "ohh shiiiiit"
- You find unexplained bruises. Upon realising their explanation, your next words are also "ohh shiiiiit" (see embarassment blog for an A++ example)

- You walked through a drive through McDonalds / got into a taxi so they can stop on the way home
- You're written on
- You wrote on people
- You're now famous for being Smirnoff's best consumer
- You believe you should be famous for being Smirnoff's best consumer.. AND...

- My Classiest Gold Star Moment of 2009: You pull into a service station to throw up on the way home. The young indian won't let you in... So you let it all out on the glass front door, that isn't so sparkling-clean anymore.

- My slap-your-forehead Moment of 2010: You text your best friend wondering how they got home last night, and they reply, "are you serious, you idiot, the same way you did. I'm upstairs". (Suddenly all those kebab wrappers explain themselves slowly).

As always, another lesson learnt. They say some of the best ideas you will ever have, dawn like a bright country sunrise after a cocktail or two; so I have now brought to you the most intelligent thing I have, and ever will write in my life!

<3 Miss Communication

Little Thrills

We’re bound by a world in which routine is a god forsaken need that rules us. We may not be as bad as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, where having guests over threatens his morning bathroom schedule (7am – 7:20am) but monotony gets us all.

Maybe this creates our need for little thrills. Maybe we really do just need to shake things up with a bit of drama every once in a while.

From breaking at the last second at a red light, to teenage boys playing chicken on the highway, little thrills are our secret small pleasures throughout the day.

You’re merging onto the motorway when the truck starts to accelerate. You

a.  Play it safe and stop, even though you probably have room

b.  Slam on the accelerator and zoom in front. YES I made it mother F&^%er!

You let go of a breath you didn’t know you were holding and there it is: the little thrill that suprises even you. It feels gooood.

Little thrills, I’ve discovered, is the reason why very smart people sometimes do VERY stupid things.

It’s the thing that makes you wait to text someone back, knowing they're waiting, and giggle when they text a second time.

It’s the thing that keeps your face book window open at work until you feel the boss’ retched breath on your shoulder.

It’s the thing on a Saturday night that says “Come on, you can have another shot” even though your up-chuck reflex is screaming ‘please God, not another work out’.

Somehow, after screwing up your face till you resemble an Alien that loves sour lemons, you manage to keep it down, and then comes the little thrill that excites you so.

And just like the New Age Dating Bible (He’s just not that into you) states:

                    Guys invented the "spark" so they could

                    not call and treat you kind of bad and

                    keep you guessing, and then convince you

                    that the anxiety and fear that it creates

                    in you is actually a "spark." And you

                    all buy it. You love it. You all thrive

                    on it because you all love drama.

Dear Gigi’s of the world, call me your Alex ;). He’s right. We all thrive on paying our bills last minute, and subtly rebelling in a not so rebel way. 

A woman will fret over a date, even if it was only average, and a man has his comforting ego to tell him there will always be a younger, perkier version around the corner.

Girls LOVE little dramas, this is true. Men do too, but they just cover it in gift wrap and call it an "adrenaline rush" for the masculine. Aside from driving too fast, and smelling too foul, it's exactly the same thing.

                                          Drama

Have you ever wondered why t.v shows like Home and Away and Neighbours are so popular?

It's every day people with an accelerated amount of drama, raging fires, hospitalisations and infidelity that we can then gossip about. It's fun!

Ever found yourself throwing a dirty look and then telling people all about it? That would be that little voice in your head that says "Self- I am bored. Let's cause some trouble"

In men, it may come in the form of flirting with a woman that's taken, or flirting when he himself is taken. Aside from the fact that it's the biggest ego boost since man created steroids, it's just another way to get a little bit of drama to keep life a little interesting.

Next time you find yourself expelling that little breath of air you didn't know was there, think of me, and those little thrills we all secretly love!

<3 Miss Communication